Holding Yourself Hostage

n an alternate universe would I be me, would I look the same, act the same, have the same life. If so, I hope that planet burns from the sun. As I want to be unique and original. But I am human, and being this being I go through hardships, heartaches and face the bumps in the road. How I come out after each great journey or great escape depends on the moods and the feelings in the moment, in that second. We create our destiny, we shape others lives, but when do we become selfish, and give up on saving you and them and finally care for ourselves?

 This story is not one of vanity or ego. It is my skin deep truth, the truth of Kyle, and what he struggles with everyday. Because that smile or pout are the masks that shield the insecure person below. I have learnt a lot I life at the tender age of 23, I know people, and some say I judge too early, it’s just my barrier. Keeping people on the other side of the csi tape is how I cope. To scared of the reality of having a crush, or falling in love, or simply to being my true self with someone. We just want to have a avatars tail and connect on a level that goes beyond reason. The difficulty is finding that someone to connect with, and if you do, then what? Play games, be completely honest and make yourself as vulnerable as a baby bambi deer in a lion’s den. What scares us most was shaped by past experiences, as we see the flaws of past friendships, relationships. How do we move forward, how do we move on. All I know is that I have always been the stepping stone to someone or something better. They not over their ex, they are still in a relationship, they are single and want to play, they are married, they are in the closet. I have been there, I have done it, and I have come to become who I am. A hostage to myself. I want people to experience life their own way, I want them to become happy with themselves in order to be happy with someone else, but like in every relationship you garden someone to the point that you become just that, you garden this rose, and they get picked and you don’t. It’s like wasting all your time to be cut from the picture time and time again. So now I just stay out of people’s way. Let them do what they need to find self love. I respect the fact that people change their minds, but with that change comes consequence, and people have to come to not care about others feelings, why, because it’s so easy to find someone new. So like in the movies there is that person sitting crying in the rain, that is me, but I will not let people define me or my outcomes, all I want is to share all I have, my heart, my mind and my soul. But, time and people are something I have started losing patience with. So for now,  I will be me, myself and I. and then you and I, one day.

 With this negative outlook on love and attraction I have become numb to feeling, this cold feeling gives off this bitch expression, I’m just scared. And when I do let someone in, I have to try so hard to show I care, I have to always justify my attraction, I have to prove I want to try be happy with someone, and like Kurt Cobains face, I get shot every single time. My best friend said to me once, I build fantasies in my head, I build an imaginary friend in my life, and rip myself to shreds when things don’t work out. But this life we live is not a fairytale, it’s a reality. And sure I’m emotional at the moment post tragic events in my life, a break up from a first love, a treasured family member passing. But we only live once, so I plan to make the best of it, from today. After this post I will make things happen, not for anyone else but Kyle, build my own reality, and what comes, comes. I won’t chase that highway unicorn. I will ride the white horse into the distance, who ever jumps on the horses back and rides with me into the sunset, time can tell. I can’t, so cheers to life, cheers to dreams, cheers to my avatar connection, I look forward to meeting you, one day.